Penis Envy: A Tale of the New Hell | by Travis J. Gates
Henrietta wipes the congealed blood spattered across her stubbly chin and raises
the Mac-
“Thanks, Henrietta,” I say as I stand up. She raises a closed fist and hisses at me.
“Quiet, fag boy. Where there’s a baby, there’s a mom or a babysitter. Stay frosty.” She stands a full six inches above my height, strong broad shoulders framing her ample tits and sagging belly. Her voice is thicker than a woman’s should be; just barely feminine at all. This makes sense, considering that she was a prime candidate for gender reassignment surgery before Hell exploded near a chicken shit refinery in Kansas.
No one knows for sure how it started, but we’re all sure it started close to Topeka.
The internet, before it disappeared like every other luxury we had, was full of
rumors. The two most popular were that A) two kids called forth the Dark Lord of
the Universe and His Minions using the wi-
However it happened, the world’s a different place now. Zombies patrol the streets, demons lurk everywhere and giant misshapen rabbits hunt in packs to rape human beings in the ass. See? It must be Japanese.
People like me adapt well to this new earth, since most of our days are spent in online gaming realms where this kind of shit is tame. At least, that’s what I thought at first. Then Henrietta saves me from three mammoth hares with raging boners and I realize that if I mean to survive in this world, I gotta stick close to her.
Like the great white shark, she has no need to evolve. A woman with the soul of
a man and the hormones of both, Henrietta is the ex-
And I love her.
She turns in a slow circle, machine gun at the ready, looking for the zombie’s compatriots.
The iron sights of the MAC-
“Jacob,” she whispers, “Don’t move.”
It’s hard to follow instructions like this when you can smell the rotten tomato scent of a zombie behind you and ragged fingernails crawling up your neck. Its fingers are on my throat and my asshole gives up the fight and dumps everything at once.
“Put the gun down, bitch,” the zombie screeches. It squeezes my neck and my air supply is cut in half.
“You can’t have my gun,” Henrietta spits. “But I’ll be happy to give you some of the bullets.”
“Clever girl,” the corpse laughs. “I wonder if you’ll be so witty once I wear your boyfriend’s entrails like a…” I feel the rotten nose sniffing at my spine. “Jesus. I think he shit himself.”
I feel my face flush. This is so embarrassing. Henrietta will never want me now.
“Yeah. He does that.” My dream woman’s mouth curls up into a smile. “Let him
go and I’ll let you live. We only wanted a place to hide to get away from the Fuck-
“You have a deal.” The zombie pushes me to the ground. “He smells terrible anyway.”
Henrietta is true to her word, engaging the safety on the machine pistol. She sits on the mattress that we were to use for sleep. She points at the toddler corpse.
“Yours?”
“Nah, not really. I was sitting for him when we turned. The little bastard’s been up my ass ever since.” The zombie cackles. It’s not a pleasant sound. As I take myself and my poo pants to the corner, I get my first look at her. She’s fresh. Still pink. Except for the fact that her nose is gone, she could pass for living. “I’m Michelle.”
“Henrietta,” says the goddess as she begins to clean her gun. “That waste of meat is Jacob. I found him in the next town over and decided to bring him with me, though I have no idea why.”
This is not how tonight was supposed to go. Instead of me finally wooing Henrietta with some poetry I learned in Mrs. Havisham’s English class last term, I’m now a shit encrusted third wheel.
I dig in my bag until I find a cleanish pair of pants and underwear. I go to the room next door and change, leaving my soiled clothes in the corner. When I come back, Henrietta and Michelle are sitting next to each other.
“So, no hunger yet?” Henrietta asks.
“Not really. I’ve eaten a couple of dogs, but no people. I just don’t have any interest. Mikey was all about it, though. He would attack anyone. I’m glad you blew his head off.”
“The pleasure is all mine, sweetie.” Henrietta lights a clove cigarette and offers
a drag to that cock-
I cover my face with my palm.
“So, how old are you?”
“Twenty,” Michelle says with a giggle. Henrietta puts a hand on her thigh.
“Mmmm. College girl.”
I settle down in the corner of the room. This house, like all others these days,
is dark. I feel almost as if I can disappear if I push myself far enough into the
shadows. My Ipod has no charge so I can’t even escape into Morrissey. I start to
wonder if I should take my chances with the Fuck-
I would say that this is how my life typically goes, but I haven’t been in this exact situation before. Rebuffed by a girl? Yes. Rebuffed for a girl? Yes. Rebuffed by a trans gender master of asskickery for a zombie coed in a town rampant with malevolent rabbits? This is a first.
“Is it true what they say about college girls?” Henrietta is smiling with those perfect teeth. Combine that with her long blond hair and five o’clock shadow, she almost looks accidentally sexy. She has everything I’ve always wanted, including big strong arms to protect me from the dangers of the world.
“What do you mean?” titters that rotting Paris Hilton.
“Do you like to experiment?” One shoulder of Henrietta’s extra large pink spaghetti strap shirt has fallen, revealing the swell of a milky white breast. I’ve imagined what the nipples look like a thousand times, but I know that my wildest dreams will be inadequate.
Michelle, instead of answering, leans over and licks Henrietta’s lips. My masculine beauty counters with a full open mouthed kiss, advancing her hand up the zombie’s thigh.
There used to be hundreds of websites devoted to just this kind of thing. Believe me, I used to jack it to almost all of them.
Speaking of which, my hand migrates down my chest, unbuttoning my jeans. My fingertips are just getting to the hair horizon when I hear Henrietta snap her fingers.
“This is private, boy,” she shouts. “I don’t want your gay ass distracted. We are still deep in enemy territory so you need to keep up a perimeter. Stay alert. Stay frosty.” And then she buries her face once more into a mound of cold zombie tits.
I know that she’s confused sexually, but I wish that she could see that I would treat her like the princess she is. But this is her journey, and I’m here to be supportive. I would do anything for her.
I hear the click of the MAC-
“Now, you just ignore this. This is just insurance.”
I hear a muffled, wet reply from Michelle.
“When I say ‘eat it,’ I don’t mean in a freak zombie way. Just the tongue, got it? If you feel like having a nibble, Mr. Insurance here is going to take a nibble off your skull. Understand?”
Another mumble, this one with a sexy moan attached.
“Good. Now hop to it, bitch.”
The night goes on. I watch, balls bluer than a drowned Smurf, as Henrietta pulls various toys from her backpack and makes Michelle use them. Suddenly, I know where the batteries to my flashlight have gone.
It seems like hours, but soon enough Michelle comes up for air.
“Is it my turn yet?”
“Oh, yeah,” says a sweaty, breathless Henrietta. “Want it in your mouth?”
“Sure,” replies the dead bitch. “But wait, you don’t even have a…”
The gun goes off, three pops, then the wet slap of dead brains against the peeling wallpaper.
“Henrietta?” I say, nervous.
“Shut up. I need some sleep.”
My woman’s wish is my command. I don’t sleep, but I hear the steady breathing of my heart’s desire ten feet away, spent and tired. I’m glad that she got to escape for just a little while. She deserves it.
Dawn comes early. She’s up at six, like always, her internal clock as perfect as the rest of her.
“Sun’s up. The Fuck-
An hour later and we’re out of town. Every now and then we see the shadow of a demon flying overhead, but none bother us.
“Henrietta,” I say. It’s taken me a while today, but I finally think my confidence is up to this.
“What?” she replies flatly.
“What that girl did for you last night…I can do that too. Whenever you want. All you have to do is say so.” I give her my best smile. She smiles back, but it soon turns into laughing.
“I’m not gay, Jacob,” she says through her grin. “So quit being such a fag.”
I join in her laugh as we walk on. It’s okay. Like I said, this is her time of
self-
I know she’ll come around.
I mean, that’s love.
Right?